Fag

No not the US version, but the British one. A cigarette, a fag, a smoke.

I've managed to resist the urge for a fag all day, and all day yesterday, but since i've left work my emotions have been all over the place. Yesterday I was severely depressed but today i'm angry.

It probably started while waiting for the bus after work. A bus which didn't arrive at the first scheduled time so it was a half hour wait for the next one. Which didn't turn up until 15 minutes later than scheduled. Although this is a fairly regular occurance nowadays, the lack of nicotine in my system led to a loss of control and the anger got the better of me..........so I started to kick the bus shelter in.

By the time i'd got home it could only get worse. And it did.

Already pissed off that no one was in (And won't be until C gets home around 10pm) I was doubly annoyed that I had to peel vegetables for my dinner (Bangers, Mash, Brocolli, Carrots and Gravy. Yum fucking yum!) so it wasn't really a surprise when such a minor incident like the foil under the grill (To catch sausage fat) getting all crumpled up led me to use the grill to smash up the kitchen.

Mashed up vegetables flew everywhere, the mug rack was sent across the room, the cats cowered from my wrath and one of the little salt 'n pepper pots my Mum had got us (In the shape of a cat. How original) has now got a hollow stump for a tail.

The bin came off worse though. It now has a fuck off great big dent in it after I booted the bastard. The lid no longer closes.

I know i'll get bollocked by C when she gets home but I don't care. It felt good to smash shit up. Really good. Being able to vent that anger like I used to is so pleasing. I always get shushed whenever I begin to rage at the PS2 or whatever and it's really fucking me off. I always used to be quite volitile (Although not violent to those around me) and had a habit of flinging things through windows. I once threw the pullout drawer of a PC desk out of the front door and into the street after it had fucked me off.

The point is, that although the rage seems scary and violent, it's not. I'm just venting and it's the way that makes me feel good. I'm not going to burst a blood vessel, i'm enjoying the anger, the passion, the release. Fuck those people who say, 'Take a deep breath'. No! You fuck off you fuck!
Stop trying to neuter me, as it bleeds into every other aspect of my being, knocking my already fragile confidence.

Actually the point is this, i'm going up the shop to buy some fags. Don't care that it's giving in and will taste foul. I tried to do this last New Year and it didn't help the lurch into depression that I seem to be falling into with alarming regularity, so i'm going to knock completely giving up for now.

And if you don't like it, you can fuck right off!

Depression

Yesterdays headache turned into a full-blown depressive incident when I got home last night. This is not good as the past two years have seen a similar pattern emerge after the New Year, with the solitude of the work i've been doing making itself felt so much so that it's contributed to me leaving both the jobs i've had in that time. One of those was due to the fuckers at HBS though, so maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

Trouble is, I find it very hard not to be hard on myself. The only memories I can conjure up from my past all seem to be negative ones. Humiliating myself, not being good enough or taking advantage, acting like a twat and all the unpleasant things i've done. I'm pretty sure that i've not been an arsehole all my existance, but for the life of me I can't recall any memories that are positive.

Which is a real fucker when you tend toward the depressive...

Headache

Having not smoked a fag all day long and been cooped up in this office for almost as long, I have an aching head. On the inside. A headache. Probably need to drink more water than I have been (750ml so far today) but now that I have to leave work i'm excited as it means i'm going home. To food and comfort.

On the other hand, leaving work means I have to walk to a bus stop in the cold and dark as the wind howls through my bones, arrive at a cold empty house until C get's in from work (A is at her Nanna's for a few days) and prepare the bloody food.

All I want is a spliff!

thedacs are MINGING!

This specimen is the dried-up, parchment-skinned, dust covered, skeletal remains of a frog or toad that C found tucked into a corner behind the TV when we were taking the Chrimbo decs down and blitz-cleaning the house.

Obviously this poor sacrifice was brought in during the times when Kismet had a fascination with offering us tasty morsels first thing in the morning. Must have escaped all of us before slowly dying (Not surprising since it was stuck near a telly that up until a few weeks ago was pumping out non-stop X Factor!) although a frog is definitely a step up for Kismet from the difficulties of hunting garden worms. Bless her!

Quit smoking!

thedacs are attempting (For the first time as a unit) to give up the fags and quit smoking as a New Year Resolution for 2007.

It's a cliche but so what! Tobacco (And thedacs have been using rolling tobacco for the past year) is expensive, always needs to be bought at inconvenient moments, stains our teeth, destroys our lungs and generally hampers health, makes us stink and is an awful addiction that both D & C have never been able to fully kick in smoking 'careers' that have lasted around 15 years each.

The time to quit has now come. All the baccy was hidden by D last night (He has the stronger willpower and abstained from all pleasures for forty days and nights previously. At the time when C & D were getting together actually and taking the first tentative steps to forming thedacs) so that C couldn't roll any fags for the journey to work this morning.

So far today, C has called home while driving to work and tried to convince herself and D that she needs to come home as she is ill (Denied!) while D has been stropping around the house getting irrationally irritable every hour or so and needing to vent without the aid of tobacco. Today feels like a very long day!

All smoking paraphenalia has been hidden rather than thrown because we still have weed left and intend to smoke it. We intend to save it until the weekend to get a better buzz after a few days off it. Alright so it's not quitting smoking entirely, but it's near a fucking nuff!

Fantasy Premier League V

Not a bad New Years Day for Bungles Bugle in the Fantasy Premier League. 52 points gained so far (There a still a few games tonight to be taken into consideration) is twice the average score for the Gameweek and almost all reliant on my Liverpool trio of Gerrard, Carragher & Finnan. Stevie G gained the team 22 points alone.

The graph shows the resurgence in the teams fortunes over this period after a vexing crash in form recently. More will have to be done in terms of transfers to keep the trend upwards - Saha for example has to go, he hasn't scored more than one point a game for a while and we can't afford to be carrying such expensive baggage - but i'm fairly confident that Bungles Bugle can break into the top 250,000 players soon enough (Currently positioned in 266,974th place out of 1,155,651 players) and with some luck we'll crack the top 100,000 or 10% of players by the end of the season.

Happy New Year!

2007 has started and about time too, as 2006 was a bit of a shite year for thedacs. This year will be different though. A year of advancement, a year of achievement, a year where thedacs take control and ensure they all become the person they want to be. No more depression, no more lack of confidence and no more fear for thedacs in 2007.

2006 ended pretty much the same way it had started and lived.....in a haze of smoke!

The fireworks in London at midnight were pretty spectacular though. A real feast of flame, noise and colour over the Thames which used the London Eye to wonderful effect. That alone was worth staying up for.