Took a dump at work earlier for the first time in ages. That's having a dump at work...not 'i've been without a turd for three months'.
Some fat fucker had cracked the toilet seat with his fat crack and it felt like I was almost sitting in the water it was so low. At least that minimised my 'plop'. Nothing worse than letting someone in another cubicle hear your plop, your spattering, your ear-splitting depth charge of a turd or even your moaning and wincing as you release a rock back into the wild.
Such concerns obviously didn't stop the bloke in the far cubicle.