100% English

'Take eight people. All of them born in England. All of them white. All of them convinced they are 100% English. Convince them to provide a sample of their DNA. Then submit it to a series of state of the art DNA tests; and some of them will be in for a shock when they discover just how English they really are.'

Taken from the just aired C4 documentary 100% English.

What an interesting show, if somewhat predictable (English people have DNA from all over the world shocka!), but it was rather amusing to see such English nationalists have their certainties whipped from under them.

Now, i'm no self-loathing Englishman, I love so much of this country, its culture, its nature, its history, its character and its people that i'm actually quite proud to be an Englishman. However, having travelled a fair bit i'm comfortable with other cultures and people, and knowing a fair bit of history I also know a fair bit about England and what made it England over a millenia. That background helps me to take a more relaxed view of Englishness. It's certainly there and has been for a long, long time , yet it's also pretty fluid. It's not pure bred, as most of the participants of 100% English believed, but a far more appealing mongrel.

Funniest participant though was the middle-aged female lawyer who runs some charity promoting Englishness (Pure bred of course), lays flowers at the tribute to Harald in Hastings (Harald being the last Saxon king of England, killed by the invading Normans at the battle of Hastings in 1066 for those who are feeling a bit clueless) and took a stern view of what the Normon Conquest meant for England - Ground Zero, ethnic cleansing on a grand scale and the subjegation of Englishmen into slaves. There's a modicum of truth in the last bit, although it's a bit hysterical and a bit rich considering the Anglo-Saxons slaughtered the orignal Britons.

Anyway, what was so funny in her case was her DNA make-up showed her to have large traces of Romany Gypsey. She fudged some response to that revelation and then the presenter told us that, four days later, she fires off some missive claiming the producers stitched her up and the tests were flawed. Hahaha you wish baby!

In fact, as the Goodness Gracious Me team showed a few years ago with the Kupars/Coopers sketches, it seems those who buy into the idea of Englishness the most vehemently, those who take it the most seriously and proclaim themselves loudly to be English also happen to be those with plenty of non-English blood. It's weird.

I tell you what though, I definitely want one of those DNA tests. It would be fascinating to see the rich genetic make-up (Or Tebbit-like dull DNA) of my family history. Where can I get one done and can I get a discount?

Oh look, found out where I can get a DNA ethnic test already. Can someone lend me £200 please?