I feel quite sad.
Sad in the emotional sense that is, not the everyday feeling of loserdom which lingers like a permanent bad smell.
This sense of sadness has been brought about by an invite from someone I was once very close to inviting me to joinj MySpace. Now, they didn't leave any message with the emailed invite (Which was probably a good thing) and i've resisted the impulse to join, not that it was ever more than a fleeting curiosity mind.
I couldn't, however, resist trying to track down this persons MySpace page and I guess it was being successful in that search that has led to my sadness. Seeing that person again brings back memories from years ago and reminds me of what a twat I was. Not because I regret no longer being with that person (Hell no!) but rather because our time together was, to put it mildly, not my greatest moment*. And I regret that, because this person is a good one, with an incredibly sharp mind and sense of wit (Which I find to be fantastic qualities).
It's just a shame that they came to see me in the state which I feel haunts me - aimless, insular, bitter, arrogant, self-centred and faded - and is probably the reason why all my relationships, friends as well as intimate ones, fizzle out and are never looked back upon by me.
I'd like to think that ever since thedacs came into existance i've managed to find myself a bit more than I ever have before. Come to know myself a bit better, to accept certain things and to have my eyes opened to my own past, to others and that is all down to thedacs. But there is still something missing and it's within me. I'm still aimless, flitting while never knuckling down and I know, I know, that i'll regret that more than anything on my deathbed. That I wasted it all.
Maybe that's why this invite made me sad. Because it reminded me of my own lack of self-worth. But maybe i've learnt that it isn't all about me and I should accept the invite, say 'hey' and see if life is going well for this person.
And then seethe that is while mine hasn't kept pace hahahaha!
*In fact, my twenties wasn't my greatest decade. It was a washout. Lots of fun at times and great moments, but....well, it was, in hindsight, lived under a cloud of depression and lack of any achievement or sense of worth whatsoever.